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Still Life
No sweat
By
David Still II
dstill@barnstablepatriot com
It started slowly. A drip here , a
drip there. Nothing to be too con-
cerned about. It had dripped be-
fore, but with proper care , it soon
stopped and all was right in the
world.
But the drips continued , sug-
gesting a larger problem. Nothing
smelled wrong, always a good sign,
but the dripping was now com-
monplace and too persistent to be
ignored. The conclusion was ines-
capable.
I'd become immune to my antiper-
spirant.
This was an unhappy realization. I
liked what's now my old antiperspi-
rant. Good coverage , good applica-
tion to getting dressed ratio and
most importantly, it worked.
That's not to say I didn't have my
problems. The local provisioner , also
known as the supermarket , stopped
carrying the preferred "unscented'
version of my former fav, leaving me
with the lesser of all perfumed evils:
Sport.
Acceptable , but not ideal.
You see, I'm more than willing
to keep up my end of communal
hygiene polite society requires , but
while I don't want to stink , I don't
want to smell, either. Those looking
for a signature scent (think Coco
Chanel , or the Old Spice Man) usu-
ally don 't start with underarms for
their odorous definitions of self.
I've managed on most occasions
to live up to the "not stinking " part ,
but I've been defeated recently on
the not smelling. And that's an in-
creasingly tough game to win. Soaps
shampoos, laundry detergents , air
fresheners and all manner of other
products are out there trying out-
smell the other in an attempt to
mark you as one of theirs.
But back to the immediate prob-
lem.
The antiperspirant aisle of the
same super provisioner is polluted
with "Extreme " "Blasts" of under-
armor, promising to banish sweat ,
stink and attract throngs of olfac-
tory-intoxicated women to your side
Perhaps two decades ago such delu-
sions of attraction would be appeal-
ing, but then again, this stuff smells,
I mean really smells ... bad.
I had the unfortunate occa-
sion to wander down the aisle as a
cut-through to the cat food during
a smell-testing session between
young boyfriend and girlfriend. The
resulting cloud of airborne toxins
was nearly unbearable. I escaped ,
barely, returning to the same aisle
some weeks later for the inevitable
replacement.
A quick review of active ingredi-
ents suggests that pore-clogging
technology reached its zenith with
a 19 percent dollop of aluminum
zirconium tricholorohydrex glycine.
There are some other recipes , all
involving aluminum something-or-
other-ide , but according to a quick
Web search , they all work the same
way.
That same search revealed that for
a product to be called "antiperspi-
rant ," the Food & Drug Administra-
tion requires that it reduce sweating
by a mere 20 percent.
Twenty percent? I could ac-
complish that with a couple of old
kitchen sponges, but that's probably
too bulky for out-of-the-home use.
Apparently there are some in-
dustrial-strength sweat inhibitors
available by prescription and even a
Botox injection or 12, but I've surely
not crossed that perspiratorial line.
So there I stand in the supermar-
ket for interminable minutes, poring
over ingredients and getting more
and more depressed , as none ap-
pears to be any different than the
one failing me.
The only difference is they smell
worse by varying degrees.
And the marketers got to me. I'm
suddenly suspect of products that
don't scream "EXTREME" in fluo-
rescent green.
"This just says it'll keep me dry,
not extremely dry, or dry beyond all
reasonable expectation ," I thought ,
full of consumer self doubt.
I settled on an unscented , un-in-
timidating brand in generally un-
derstated packaging. And while the
main ingredient remained the same,
I pinned my hope on the fact that it
was in a different form.
As suspected , it worked just as
unwell as the old brand , but at least
it doesn't smell and neither do I.
So I continue to drip, slowly, and
hope for a breakthrough.
Duck Soup
By Stew Goodwin
columnist@barnstable patnot.com
A few nights ago I dreamt that I had a
conversation with Groucho Marx. Well,
it wasn't exactly with Groucho , but with
one of his film characters.
That's a good thing.
I once actually sat next
to Julius (his real name)
Marx at a Brooklyn Dodg-
ers baseball game and
he was not very friendly.
However, in mv dream our
repartee was scintillating.
The movie in question was
Duck Soup, made at Paramount' s New
York City studios and released in 1933.
The plot goes something like this...
kufus T Firefly, played by Groucho ,
becomes president of Freedonia due to
the influence of arich widow,Mrs. Gloria
Teasdale , played by Margaret Dumont.
Mrs. T. has loaned the insolvent country
$20 million, thereby effectively control-
ling it. Meanwhile , the ambassador from
Sylvania, one Trentino played by Louis
Calhern , has devised a scheme to take
over Freedonia. He intends to marry
Mrs. T.and her money. President Firefly
counters this obvious threat to national
securtiy with a cunning plan. He insults
Trentino , goading him into war and thus
paving the way for a glorious victory.
In order to assemble the appropriately
incompetent team to manage the conflict ,
the president conducts an extensive
search.A peanut vendor named Chicolini,
played by Chico, becomes Secretary of
War. A bizarre jack-of-all-trades called
Pinky, played by Harpo,is picked to head
up the intelligence effort , even though
he and Chicolini are already spying for
Sylvania. An earnest , clean-cut bungler,
played by Zeppo in his last film appear-
ance with his brothers , is installed as
chief-of-staff.
Now for the highlights, or
lowlights, of my chat with the
madcap Machiavelli Presi-
dent Firefly...
Me: "Mr. President,Yourin-
augural address was a song:
Wait 'til I get Through With
You. What did it mean?
Pres. F.:"It meant exactly
what it said."
Me: "You had a 4-year-old child inter-
pret the budget for you. What was the
point of that?"
Pres. F.:"He wasthe only person I could
find that understood the numbers. By
the way, he came up with the dramatic
proposal I made to cut expenses: reduce
all lunch hours to 20 minutes."
Me: "I can't help wondering, Mr. Presi-
dent, whether as you slid down the fire
pole to deliver your inaugural song, did
you already know that you were going to
go to war with Sylvania?"
Pres. F.:"That is a vicious lie spread by
the media. We only go to war in response
to serious national security threats."
Me: "Thank you for clearing up that
misconception , Mr. President. Could
you tell me if Pinky and Chicolini were
the best people available to fill their
positions?"
Pres. E: "Absolutely! They were al-
ready spying for Sylvania, so they were
completely familiar with the situation."
Me: "Didn't it make you a little ner-
vous that they were working for both
sides?"
Pres. R: "Not at all. They never gave
anyone a single useful bit of informa-
tion."
Me: "Mr. President , your declaration of
war was a gospel number called All God's
Chillin Got Guns . What do your people
do with all of those guns?"
Pres. F.: "They kill criminals before
they can commit crimes."
Me: "Considering that you were so
prepared , why was the Sylvanian army
able to advance allthe wayto your capital
city before you noticed them?"
Pres. R: "We noticed them. We were
just luring them into a trap. "
Me: "I want to read from your address
to your troops. " (I pulled out a scrap of
paper.) "Go and break through the lines.
And remember, while you're out there
risking life and limb through shot and
shell, we'll be in here thinking what a
sucker you are."
Pres. P.:"Every once in awhile I like to
tell the people the truth. "
Me: "The reinforcements you sent in
- a herd of elephants , fire engines and
police cars -were completely ineffective.
Then you accidentally blew up your am-
munition dump when you threw away
CONTINUED ON PAGE A:11
LETTERS
Minority report on
fire district study not
called for
PaulSullivan,chairmanofthe
HyannisBoard of FireCommis-
sioners, has raised questions
about the financial analysis
done for the Town Council-
appointed Fire Study com-
mittee.The analysiscompares
1
the consolidated Barnstable
Fire operatin g costs (all five
districts combined) to those
of other Massachusetts com-
munities of similarpopulation.
As the preparer of that report
I feel compelled to correct Mr.
Sullivan's misstatements.
Mr. Sullivan is correct that
some of the comparison towns
offer ambulance service and
some do not. The report clearly
identified those that did and
those that did not and recog-
nized the variable that would
induce. He isincorrect that the
report compared FY2000 and
FY2004 budget numbers. In
fact , Mr. Sullivan was the per-
son who provided the FY2OO0
numbers for the Barnstable
FireDistrictsafterIwasunable
to get them.
The report was prepared
because it was important that
the committee understand the
cost of having five districts
versus one, the much more
common construct. Thisis the
fundamentaltaxpayerquestion
that drove the in
CONTINUED ON PAGE C:9
\
By Paul Gauvin
CALL TO ARMS - Barnstable Middle
School Team5 Student Jean Ikchucki,
a Ukrainian name , checks out a
ceremonial M-l rifle used by Leo
Flanagan of the Korean War Veterans
Association's honor guard during a
Memorial Day service last week.
pgauvin@barnstablepatrlot.com
Noble idea pairs
vets, students for
a Memorial Day
dialogue
It made me feel sad when
I think about what they were
saying."
That was Barnstable Middle
School Team 5 student Alexis
Medeiros 's initial reaction to
wartime testimony articulated
by aging veterans during a first-
ever Memorial Day intergenera-
tional forum held last week at
the Barnstable Senior Center.
"My grandfather was in World
War II and my father was in the
Marines ," she said. Veterans
who, despite their advancing
age stood with military bearing
to proclaim they were proud of
their wartime accomplishments ,
lifted some of her sadness, she
said.
It was essentially a ques-
tion-and-answer session lasting
nearly two hours, and it held
the students' attention because
they had formulated some
profound inquiries on their
own. One student wanted to
know how Vietnam veterans felt
about the anti-war sentiment
back home while they were over
there fighting.
"We spent most of our time
supporting each other against
the discontent back home,"
said Vietnam veteran William
SilverRyder, using a walker and
breathing with the help of a por-
table oxygen tank. "We didn't
think about it while we were
there. "
But when the soldiers re-
turned stateside they quickly
donned civilian clothes so they
wouldn 't stand out, he said.
Another student asked if
soldiers ever returned to the
country where they fought. Vet-
eran Stanley Jones said when
he left Korea in 1953 just before
the war ended it was "...a place
of abject poverty, mud huts,
thatched roofs and hardly any
vegetation. When I went back
there in 2004, it looked like New
York City and there were trees
all over. I think we did a pretty
good job over there."
After each veteran spoke,
there was applause. The veter-
ans were paired at tables with
students so that informal con-
versation could also be had.
"Did you learn anything in
the military that changed you?"
asked another student. Kath-
leen SilverRyder who was a
Navy corpsman replied, "Never,
ever volunteer for anything."
More to the question, she said
that as a youngster she was
very shy and felt as though she
didn't belong anywhere. Now
a nurse, she said the military
helped her overcome timidity
and get involved.
There was one hat-trick vet-
eran in the audience too. Albert
Madden , who served in WWII ,
Korea and Vietnam, still fits
into his original Army uniform,
a tribute to either a conscious
fitness regimen or genetic bless-
ings.
He's Cape Cod's 88-year-old
bugle boy, playing taps for all
the veterans ' organizations and
holidays including Memorial
Day. He told the children how
he began playing bugle calls
when he was 6 years old in New
Hampshire and how he'd ride
his bike to engagements where
he would earn $2 for his efforts.
He also responded when
another student asked someone
to explain the medals and other
militarymarkings, since he was
in uniform. Madden described
the hash marks (each is three
years' service) his sergeant (1st
Class, retired) stripes , various
service, campaign and decoration
medals. There is a story about
Madden in the current art issue
of Cape Cod Life magazine.
"Do you go see movies about
the war and the places where
you were and are they realis-
tic?" was another question. The
conventional wisdom among
veterans is that the experi-
ences of battle cannot be wholly
imparted to others because
others do not feel the pain, cope
with the fear or five with the
doubts and horrors. You had to
be there.
So for a response , one veteran
simply said, "Yes, I go to the
movies and they are realistic
- maybe a bit embellished."
Afterward , students said they
have "a lot of respect" for the
veterans. "They 're heroes ," said
one.
They carried that thought
outside with them for posting
colors -hands over hearts in
deference to aging men who
were once "10 feet tall and bul-
letproof ," as W. SilverRyder put
it. They listened to Madden 's
soulful taps and then were
startled as the honor guard
fired its salute to those who now
live in memory.
It was a touching, generation-
al connect between the battle-
tried and the innocent.
A note of appreciation is in
order to Veterans Agent Sidney
Chase, Senior Center direc-
tor Elyse DeGroot and Team 5
teacher Paula Fay and others for
putting this timely idea into play.
1C0RNER
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