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| March 31, 2006 Barnstable Patriot |  |
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SS Norway returns to
American waters
By Flo Tay Shunduhvize
Osterville Correspondent
In an effort to stimulate the village economy
by attracting wealthy daytrippers and short-term
tourists, a local businessman has purchased
what was once the world's longest ocean liner
and plans to anchor it off Osterville.
The fabled SS Norway, born as the SS
France in 1960, was competition for the
United States and the Queen Elizabeth II
in palmier days. Most recently, it had been
resting off Bangladesh, waiting for the govern-
ment to lift a ban on grounding the asbestos-
laden vessel so the local "breakers " can turn
it into scrap.
"That broke my heart," said Tex "Too Much"
Arkana , owner of the village center 's only bar-
becue restaurant and adult video store. "I got
married five times on that boat, and it means
a lot to me."
Arkana , who made what he calls "too much"
money in oil exploration , came to Osterville
several years ago to enjoy an early retire-
ment. "I don't believe they'll think to look for
me here ," he said without offering specifics.
Disappointed to learn that East Bay Lodge
had been torn down, Arkana promised himself
that he'd find a way to bring well-heeled visi-
tors to the village for short stays. "They're a
natural for the videos," he noted.
Arkana saw the Norway advertised in a Nei-
man-Marcus Christmas catalog and decided
he'd found his floating venue. He hired local
seafarer Capt. Mac "Bing" Crosby to bring the
liner to local waters.
"This is a natural for Osterville," the cap-
tain wrote in an e-mail composed on the
Norway's deck as it neared the States. "And
this could be the first of a fleet of big ships
that would not only benefit the local shops but
also let the boatyards retool to play in the big
leagues."
For starters , the Norway will stay beyond
the limit of federal waters. Helicopters will
ferry visitors and overnight guests, landing at
a heliport being cleared at Armstrong-Kelley
Park.
"If we don't draw the tourists right away,
I'm counting on housing hundreds of workers
for the wind farm," Arkana said. "And after
it's built, the Norway will block my view of the
damn things. How great is that?"
Cruise ship to anchor off village
Bird shot , not flu
greater threat to
Barnstable 's democracy
By Roland Thompson Gunner
West Barnstable Correspondent
A sampling of the shotgun shells accidently shot
at Town Council President Hank Farnham.
An accidental shooting at the town-
owned firing range in West Barnstable has
left a power void atop the town council.
It took the better part of a week for
the incident to be reported by town hall.
Director of Communications Lynne Poyant
explained the delay as "not unusual" given
the circumstances.
"Both Hank and Janet are private people
and they wanted to deal with this matter in
a private way," Poyant said. "Where there
was some question about improper dis-
charge , we agreed that 'no comment' would
be appropriate. "
According to Poyant, it may be Council
President Farnham himself who is ultimate-
ly to blame for the incident.
"This all happened pretty quickly," Poyant
said. Farnham "did not announce -- which
would be protocol - 'Hey, it's me, I'm
coming up.' So when a target was pulled
and the vice president swung in to shoot it,
Hank was where the target was."
The president is doing well, but he's agi-
tated at his medical restrictions.
"I'm always moving, you know. I'm into
everything," an anxious Farnham said. "My
theme song is that Looney Tunes working
music. You know 'nuh, nuh, nuuuhh, nuh,
nuh, nuh, nuh nuh, nuuhhh.' This not being
able to do anything is driving me nuts."
While Farnham recovers, Vice President
Joakim is not doing much explaining on her
own. She has only granted an interview
with conservative radio talk station WXTK.
"I take full responsibility," a seemingly
apologetic Joakim told drive-time hosts
Donny & Ed. "This simply speaks to the
need for additional school aid. I never had
any training with weapons in school, and
that's clearly where we're lacking. "
In apparent agreement , Farnham offered ,
"When you talk about rebuilding America ...
I'll give it to you straight, folks, you can't do
it with Third World minimum-wage jobs."
Farnham sought additional restrictions
at the range last fall and is not surprisingly
still interested in seeing those imposed im-
mediately.
His fellow councilors don't want to move
so quickly, however.
"Maybe we need to study establishing
a firing district under the town," Marstons
Mills councilor Janice Barton said.
Farnham said that he is not interested
in a special council committee to study the
incident or further regulations.
In typical get-it-done-now style, Farnham
offered , "If you see a snake , just kill it.
Don't appoint a committee on snakes."
Other councilors are proving to be quite
forgiving. Some are attempting to arrange
similar outings for their colleagues with
Joakim. Osterville Councilor Jim Crocker
has already penciled in Greg Milne of
Hyannis for a round or two at the range
with Joakim.
Council VP finds others in 'range'
Turning 'previously
potable' into tax breaks
Leave it to the financially-fit minds of
Osterville to turn a negative into a posi-
tive ... cash flow.
"We don't like the term 'wastewater,'"
Crocker Hallett said. "We prefer to call
it 'previously potable' or perhaps 'gently
used' water."
By making that linguistic turn, Oster-
ville is poised to write off the problem,
literally.
"We plan to donate our waste... gently
used water to needier villages," Bea Bon-
nett explained. "My accountant said that
as long as I had receipts, I could take a
20-cent per gallon deduction on what I
flush... I mean what I no longer need."
To complete the tax loop, all villag-
ers need is a receipt from the receiving
entity for their records. Perhaps not sur-
prisingly, that is proving more difficult
than expected.
Hyannis resident John Porta said,
"I never had much use for things from
Osterville, and I certainly don't have a
need for their stinkin' water."
Porta said that he was approached
by a subgroup of the Osterville Village
Association to use his commodious
backyard as a "donation drop point," but
he's rebuffed all such advances.
"How dumb do they think I am?" he
asked.
"As a stump" appears to br the an-
swer. The association 's last overture to
Porta was simply to use his yard as a
storage facility for the water, for which
he would provide a claim ticket.
"We just need him to give us some
piece of paper saying he has it and we
can complete IRS Schedule H20," Bon-
nett said, increasingly agitated as April
15 looms.
Other areas of the Cape, including
New Seabury and the entire Town of
Chatham, are watching the Oster-
ville experiment closely as a potential
answer to their "previously potable"
needs.
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Waist water has been known to sweep clam-
mers and anglers off the flats and out to sea ,
which is why West Barnstable is doing its part to
increase awareness of those and other hazards.
"We're knee-deep in waist water problems
over here," clammer and fisherman Mac Jack
Otis said. "I lost my dog out in the marshes last
year, but I suppose that was paw waters , or
some such thing. Anyway, it' s bad "
Trying to get the village to focus has proven
difficult.
"I'm not sure they understand that we're talk-
ing about wastewater , not waist-deep water ,"
county water collaborative director Phil Emmup
observed. "I' m sure no one wants to get swept
out to sea , but we're talking about toilet, not
tidal , flows. "
Be that as it may, the latter is more pressing
to most in the village.
"Say you're out birding and this rogue wave
comes up the harbor and sweeps over your
wadres. What' re you gonna do then?" Otis
asked
When the concept of wastewater from septic
systems was more fully explained , villagers
were equally non-plussed.
"We 'll just unlock the two-holer and call it a
day," Otis said. "Heck , many of us don't even
have water "
Waist water always a concern